Beep
"Bec, it's me again. I wish you'd call me. I'm getting worried about you... I came by your place yesturday but obviously you weren't there. I know you said you were gonna take on a few more hours at the office but....," he sighed, "Call me okay? Whatever time you get this, just give me a call."
Beep
"Lord help me."
Becca sat up by the window watching the sun set. Two weeks. She hadn't taked to him in two weeks. But he called every night. Just as the sun dropped down beyond the buildings and the blue sky faded into bursts of orange and purple the phone would ring and seconds later his voice would filter through the answering machine.
She couldn't do it. She couldn't forget him. All she did was try and with every passing day she thought she'd wake without a thought of him in her mind, one of her senses would come alive and remind her of him. One day her nose would fill with the dull scent of detergent and she'd remember how good he always smelled. Another day her fingertips would run over the sheets and she'd remember how he always woke before her and she'd often find his side of the bed empty, but still warm from his body heat.
It was dying inside. The whole situation was killing her.
"Line 5 is Ms. Peters, she wants to make an appointment. Line 2 is Elena Alms she's changing an appointment. Joseph Aldred is on line 8 he wants to... uhh, wait," Rebbeca focused on the wall and ran over the list in her head, "He wants to ummm."
"Rebecca, are you okay?" Claire placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Yeah I'm fine. Just tired," she shrugged and turned away.
"I hope you don't mind me pointing out, again, that you've been tired since you and Josh stopped hanging out. I know it's none of my business but-."
"That's right, my personal life is none of your buisness," Becca eyed her coldly, "So maybe you need to shut up and butt out."
Before Claire could even recover, Becca disappeared down the hall.
"Joey, that's sick."
"Nah, nah, I got a million of 'em. Here's one: A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. So he calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety, right? The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper."
"Chickens can't drive."
"Shut up Lance. Anyway, he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope to the bumper. Then he throws the other end of the rope to the horse and drives the car forward saving him from sinking. A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "Wait, I think I can stand over the hole," so he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my `thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety, right?"
"And the point of that was?"
"Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!"
Justin and Chris couldn't help but double over and chuckle uncontrollably into their hands. Lance smiled, slightly amused, and JC wasn't even listening.
"Hey, Jayceman? Jayce?" Chris smacked his knee with a newspaper.
"Wha? Huh?" he snapped back to reality.
"Just a message from the home team, Space Cadet Chasez. What's with you man?"
"Nothin man."
"He's still sprung off that girl is all," Justin answered.
"Ohhh... I get it. Still no call from Becca huh?" Joey leaned back.
"Nope."
"Face it man, she was using you to get to me. Now that she knows I'm not lookin for a relaionship, she's done with you." Chris was shinning his nails on his shirt when a football sailed past his head.
"Shut up Beavis, we all know it was me," Joey smiled confidently.
"You guys wanna be careful? Yeah, this is my studio but damn, that doesn't mean you can tear stuff up," JC glared at them.
"You know Jayce, she's probably just alittle busy. I mean, it's not like you've had time to stop and call her right?" Justin asked.
"Right," he lied.
"Lair! You call her everyday, you bug-a-boo," Lance accused.
"What?! I am not a bug-a-boo."
"Uh-huh. How many messages did you leave her today?" Justin was back in the conversation.
"What do you do? Spy on me?"
"That many?"
"Shut up Jay, you don't know what your talkin about. You wouldn't understand. Besides, it doesn't matter how many times I've called her or even whether I've called her again, because I'm not going to."
"What are you talkin about?"
"If she wanted to talk to me, she'd call me. I'm not makin the first move."
"If she wants you, she has to come get you?"
"Didn't we already cover this? Becca wants me." Chris added.
JC gave him a look before turning back to Joey to answer his question.
"Yes, so to speak."
"Uh-huh. We'll see how long this lasts," Justin snorted.
"Thanks, thanks for the support J. That's alright, I don't neeeeeed you. I know that I'm not gonna call her. I'll be trapped in my room while my house is burning down before I call her again."
"10 bucks says he won't make it till Friday," Chris offered his hand to Lance.
"Hey!"
"Don't get your panties in a wad Jayce, he's only kidding."
"Go back to what you were doing," he waved them off.
"No problem, I got a million of 'em. Listen, this girl and her mother were walkin through the park right? The little girl sees two birds having sex and she asks:"Mommy what's that?"..."
"No, I am not going to let them take this! This was my mother's resturant. It's all I have left."
"Good, you go girl," Becca rooted the TV on while putting a few popcorn kernals in her mouth.
Today was her relaxation day. She'd decided to sit and be a couch potatoe for atleast this one day out of the month. Actually she was forced into it. The girls at work had become so tired of her changing moods and sulking, that they told her not to come in, that they would make up for her absence. She'd hated the idea at first, but that morning, when her alarm went off at 11 instead of at 6, she welcomed the opportunity. At first she thought ordering a pizza and watching 'Simply Irresistable' on DVD was a splended idea. But now, as she sat watching Sarah Michelle Gellar work out the kinks in her love life, it unfortunatly reminded her of her own.
Dropping the kernal she had just put to her lips she sighed. She was such an idiot. Such a fool. Why did she let him kiss her? Things would be so much easier if that hadn't happened. It was still burning in her mind. Burning on her lips. She raised a finger to touch her mouth somberly. It felt as if he were still there, his fingers still tangled in her hair. Richard had never kissed her like that before. Even in their greatest days of passion when she loved him and felt as if he truly loved her back he'd never been able to kiss her breathless. So core-achingly slowly. So throughtly.
Jesus!
It didn't help that she thought about it so. It didn't help that in the middle of the night she often rolled over to hug a pillow she'd fondly named after him. This was getting insane. People say life repeats itself. This was a prime example. She'd gotten out of a bad relationship, vowing never to depend on a man again, hell, she'd vowed to never be near a man again. And here she was, she was not only near him, she was near him. She'd depended on him so much that she wasn't sure there would ever be a day when she didn't think of him. Miss him.
The phone rang, ending her inwardly war. Without thought she picked it up.
"Taking calls now?"
"Hi Lara."
"So where the hell have you been missy?"
"Working."
"My foot."
"No, seriously. I work everyday. The only reason I'm home now is because I was forced into taking the day."
"You got suspended?!"
"No, just, put on a mini vacation. Their trying to help I'm sure."
"So what'd you do that was so bad huh? Did you show up in your 'Saved by the Bell' shirt?"
"No, Richard made me throw that thing away."
"I'll get you another one."
"Can't wait. Zack was so cute."
"So, care to spill what got you sent home?"
"Not really."
"So it DOES have something to do with JC. He said you'd stopped speaking to him."
"I did not stop-."
"Right, the same way you just forget to call me back every day. Don't even start with me missy."
"My name is Becca, I don't know who missy is-."
"You name is whatever I say. You should be whinning over the phone begging my forgiveness for ignoring me. Instead, I'm offering my shoulder for you cry on. Becca better be careful or missy will find herself talkin to a dial tone."
Becca blew a piece of har out of her eyes as Lara's rant ended.
"Are you done?"
"Hey, you know that dial tone I was talkin about? It's-."
"I'm sorry. I was kidding, I'm sorry. I just don't want to talk about Josh at the moment."
"Josh. It's so cute how you say his name. Jooooooossshhh."
"Laarrrrraaa."
"Sorry. We don't have to talk about JC. There's plenty of other things to gossip over. Let's see... OH! Joey told me this joke the other day. This duck walks into a bar and he goes-."
"Lara, not now."
"But I was-."
"Not now."
"Okay fine. What do you want to talk about?"
Bec slouched down and resumed eating popcorn.
"What's wrong with me?" she asked in a whine.
"Ahh so you do want to talk about him."
"No, we're talking about me. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get over him? Why can't I forget him?"
"Oooh! Oooh! I think I know! I think I know!"
"What Lar?"
"Maybe... just maybe, you love him."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"You love him."
"I most certainly do not."
"You need him."
"No I don't."
"You want to kiiiiss him."
"I do not," she ran a hand down her now crimson face.
"You want to huuuug him."
"Lara...."
"You want to daaaate him."
"Lara! Please, be serious."
"I am. Bec, listen, think about it? Is it really so far fetched that maybe you fell for him, just alittle?"
"Yes it is!"
"Bec come on! He got to you at a vulnerable time. You had just left Richard, you were totally open-."
"You make it sound dirty."
"It's your mind going that way, not mine. But it's really not that complicated. Listen, you needed someone, he was there. Why is it so terrible that you let him in?"
"He's a guy."
"Uhh...duh, yeah."
"No Lara, you don't understand. I told myself that I wouldn't do that again, that I wouldn't do that to myself. No longer was I gonna depend on some guy to take care of me and make me happy and and-."
"Love you?"
"No."
"Well that's the only thing your denying yourself of! Rebecca he doesn't want to take anything from you. He doesn't want you to be totally dependant on him, he doesn't want to take away your freedom, he just wants to be with you."
"How do you know all this?"
"I have my ways," Bec could hear the smug smile.
"Well since when have you become a supporter of this relationship?"
"Psst. I don't care about you two. I just wanna make sure you don't let Richard ruin you. That you don't let him win."
"Win?"
"Bec, I can understand you being cautious of a man. I would understand that if some guy asked you to run off and marry him, that you'd think about it. But to cut yourself off completely, to never want another guy to come near you again, that's what he wants. He doesn't need you to come back to him, he doesn't need you to wish you'd never divorced him. He just needs you to never get passed him. He wants you to never be the same woman you were before him and to never find happiness. That's what he needs. Honey, that's what your giving him."
"So your saying I should give Josh a shot?"
"I'm saying don't let what one man did to you dictate you entire life from here on out. I'm saying you fell off the horse, get back on and keep riding."
Becca giggled at that one.
"Remember, money may be what makes the world go 'round. But love makes the ride worth wild."
Becca smiled softly to herself, thanking God for her friend. Then stopped to wonder, with all of this wisdom, why didn't Lara have a man in her life?
Her eyes had just closed, giving into the weight on them when the phone rang beside her. She debated answering it. It could only be Lara or Josh. Considering she'd spoken to Lara earlier she quickly ruled her out. She wanted to answer the phone so bad. Hear his voice, his tone when for the first time in 2 weeks he heard hers. She wanted to be near him, everything Lara said was sinking in. But she couldn't, no one else could understand why but she couldn't. With a groan she pulled the blankets up when the answering machine clicked on.
"Becca? Rebecca it's Josh, please pick up it if your there."
He sounded... different. His voice was soft, coarse too.
"Becca I... I need you. I... I'm scared. Scared outta my mind."
She sat up abruptly. Was he crying?
"I don't know what to do exactly-."
"Josh?" she'd grabbed the cordless off the nightstand.
"Your there."
"I... I was asleep."
"Yeah," he sighed.
"So what's wrong Josh? What's going on?"
He sniffed.
"Can you come over?"
"Right now?" she looked at the clock. 3:43.
"I can't be alone right now. I don't wanna be. Please? Please come over Bec. I... I really need you right now."
Her shoulders slumped at his tone. If he said that one more time she'd die.
"Are you at home?"
"Yeah."
"I'll be there in alittle bit."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The whole ride there her mind whirled on with the many possibilities with what could be wrong with him. Was he hurt? Was someone else hurt? Did Justin die?! Okay, she knew she had a problem when she smirked at that one. This was serious. Something had happened to him and she was worried. Infact, she, like he, was scared out of her mind. The drive to his house was only 10 minutes but it was the longest 10 of her life. Her heartbeat hadn't been this fast and her chest this tight since she'd run away from Richard. Was that a sign? Was she supposed to care this much?
Pulling up to the gate she pressed the code and her mind drifted back to their kiss. Their first, last, and only intimate monent was permanently embedded into her brain. She could still feel the tingles running through her body. She could remember how loved she felt. Was that what that was? Love? She'd felt some intense emotion radiate from his lips, but it wasn't love. That'd be plan ridiculous.
She rang the doorbell before twisting the knob. It opened. She figured he'd leave it unlocked for her. She made sure to lock the deadbolt and set the alarm before turning to the empty room.
"Josh?" she called softly setting her purse on a hook in the wall.
"Josh, where are you?" she slowly walked to the dark family room.
"Jo-."
"I'm over here."
She turned to see him seated on the floor in the corner.
"I came right over."
He nodded, noting her pajams bottoms, tank top, jean jacket ans sneakers.
"What happened?" she crouched before him.
He blinked a few times before grabbing her arm and pulling her closer. She sat beside him, his head leaning on her chest, his arms around her waist. Instantly her nurchering side kicked in and she rocked hi gently, petting his hair.
"What Josh?"
She got no answer but a tear sliding down her arm and his body jerking with sobs. It scared her, it terrified her. She'd never seen him so vulnerable.
"Josh please tell me," she too was crying now, "What? What is it?"
"This girl," he paused, "She called me today. She was an old girlfriend, sort of."
"Sort of?"
"Sort of, it was serious and it was only for... a few days."
Becca nodded.
"She was one of those types?"
"Yeah."
"Why'd she call?" she pushed gently.
He sat up alittle and looked down at his lap.
"She's got AIDS. She's dying."
Rebecca took his hand.
"Oh my God. I'm sorry."
He shook his head.
"That's not it. Well... it's bad that she's dying. I mean, I care but...."
"But what?"
"But she said I might have it. She was with me when she had it and we didn't use protection," he dropped his head into his hands.
"Are you?--What?--What are you say--You have-?"
"I might," he nodded again, his eyes glazing over with more tears.
"Oh Jesus. I could have it. I could be dying Bec. I could have AIDS."
Email: Coffee