Chapter 1

"Our first guests has been causing controversy, winning hearts, and most importantly selling albums like crazy all over the country. Guys, please welcome McKayla Malone," Carson motioned to the curtains at the back of the room.

The moment she came into view chaos broke out, she'd never heard so many screams in her life. The high-pitched noise was nearly unnerving. But she kept a smile on her face and a confident bounce in her stride.

"Hi Carson," when she reached him she stood on tiptoe to give him a kiss on the cheek.

"Hey McKayla, how have you been?"

"I have been great."

"Your album's doing well."

"The album's doing amazing. I have to thank everyone, thank you to the fans," her statement was met with more cheering, "This...everything has just been awesome. You have no idea."

"Your video here on the countdown hasn't been doing that bad either. It's been number 1 for the past like... I dunno 200 years."

She giggled. "I'm hoping it'll be number 1 today," she smiled.

"I wouldn't be surprised at this point. Now, ummm... the rumor mills been working on you. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions and maybe you could clear a few things up for us."

"Sure, no problem."

"1) Who are you with? You've been linked to P.Diddy and Nelly and Eminem, Justin Timberlake-."

"What?! No! No, I'm not... I've never even met any of those guys."

"So who are you with?"

"Nobody."

"Uh-huh, we've heard that before."

"No seriously! God Carson," she slapped his arm.

"Hey! Hey! Hey that hurt."

"I'm sorry Carson, I love you," she smiled sweetly and batted her eyelashes.

"See, now tomorrow there's gonna be this picture, that quote, and a rumor that you and I are engaged. Watch."

She laughed and nodded. He was probably right.

"Alright uh... what's this I hear about you starting your own clothing thing? Are you coming out with a line?"

"Yeah. Yeah um... it's just cute, affordable stuff for woman who are built like real woman. So much of what is in the malls are made for girls who are built like twigs. I want to offer things for woman with big boobs or big butts or big tummies or wide hips or-."

"And all that stuff we men love."

She laughed when the men in the audience whooped and hollered

"Are you designing them yourself or...?"

"Yeah. I started designing cloths before I started singing. I've been making clothes for myself and my friends for years so... now I just get to make some money with it."

"It's all about the G's."

"All about the G's."

"But really, I'm not surprised. Since you stepped onto the scene just a few short months ago, you've totally taken this industry by storm and your completely changing everything around."

"I'm not... I dunno that I'm changing everything I think I'm just making people aware and letting people know that if they want to change this or that or whatever that they have the power to do that. They just have to stand up and do it."

"I think... personally I think your the millennium's Madonna."

"No! Don't say that! Too much too much!"

"No you are, your taking this thing that people, for whatever reason think is wrong and your shoving it back in their faces and kicking butt at it."

"Your only saying that cause we're on TV."

"Right, and why are they cheering?"

"You.... paid them."

"Right! We're gonna go take a quick commercial break and then more with McKayla Malone, a second surprise guest and your top 10 videos."

When the red lights on the cameras went off McKayla was instantly surrounded. One person was rubbing a make-up covered puff across her face. She gagged when she inhaled some of it. Another was pulling on her shoulders, moving her to a different position. Someone was telling her not to be surprised about the guests because it would help keep the audience calm and Shannon, her personal assistant, was telling her something about a change in plans as the ever present Eric, the bodyguard, stepped behind her, making sure no die-hard fans were planning to jump on her while she was so vulnerable and unaware of her surroundings. Finally the break was coming to and end and people started to rush away from her, leaving her in a daze. Carson gave her a supportive smile and turned to the camera's just in time.

"Hey, welcome back to TRL. I'm Carson and I'm hanging out here with music's biggest sensation, McKayla Malone."

"No don't call me that. Tomorrow I'm gonna flop and then everyone will be looking at you."

"Yeah right you couldn't flop if you tried. Your too big. Speaking of being bigger than life, let's chat with our mystery guests. Hello mystery guests."

The response was several different 'hey's' and 'what's up's'.

"Are you okay back there? You comfortable?"

"We're good man."

"Cool. Now McKayla-."

"Now Carson."

"Your nominated at the Billboard Music Awards right?"

"Yes."

"Your first award?"

"My first award. If I win."

"You will."

"I'm....I'm hoping. I'm praying. But if not, oh well. It's not that big of a thing. I'm just gonna go get, you know, drunk after."

That earned her laughter.

"Alright and on that note....We're gonna let our studio audience have some guess's as to who you are. now remember your questions have to have a 'yes' or 'no' answer, after every 3 questions we'll have someone guess and if the guess is wrong than that person and the 3 who asked questions will be sent outside, into the freezing rain, to hang out with Damien and the people waiting on the sidewalk."

"Ouch, that's harsh," McKayla pouted.

"Hey, I don't make the rules so don't turn that pout on me. Now, who's first, who's got the mic?"

A woman, about 22 or so, raised her hand and Carson told her to stand, then asked her name.

"I'm Katie and I'm from Washington DC."

"Alright Katie, what's your question?"

"Well first I wanted to say McKayla, I love you. You are so awesome."

"Aww thank you sweetie."

"And my question it, are there more than 4 of you?"

"Yes?" a voice answered.

"Alright, next question. Stand up sir, tell us your name."

"I'm Bryan from Colorado. My question is are you all males?"

"I hope so, otherwise someone's got some explaining to do."

A few videos later they had found out that their were 5 of them, all guys, atleast one had brown hair, one had blonde hair, and one had black hair. Six people had been sent down to Damien and McKayla was growing impatient.

"Oh my God Carson come on, tell us. Just tell us."

"No way-."

"Someone guess! Just guess. I'm taking over TRL, what I say goes. Everyone just guess. It can't be that hard."

Carson watched, dumbfounded, as she took over, giving people chance after chance, never once sending someone out.

"5ive?"

"Nope."

"OTown?"

"Wrong!"

"BSB?"

"Eh-eh."

"NSYNC?"

Silence.

"Hello?" McKayla stepped forward, "Mystery guests? You still in there?"

"Did she say NSYNC?"

"Yeah."

A siren sounded and red lights were shinning everywhere. Confetti dropped down on the lucky girl and 5 NSYNCer figures ran from the back and did cartwheels and twirls all over the stage.

"Ladies and Gentlemen. NSYNC," Carson motioned to them.

"We are gonna calm our audience down and get these boys rounded up and then we'll chat. Be right back this is TRL."

Once again, as soon as the lights were off McKayla was surrounded again. This time by more people than before working to move she and the NSYNC guys into the right spaces that would allow all 7 of them to be on camera at once.

"Hey Lance, who's that?" Justin nodded to a bulky bodyguard standing in the back, "He's not one of ours is he?"

"No, he's with McKayla."

"Why does she need a bodyguard? If anyone comes after her, all she'll have to do is sit in 'em."

He laughed and looked over at Lance. The older man was glaring at him, clearly not amused.

"Come on man it was a joke. Besides, it's not like she heard me."

What they weren't aware of was that she had. He'd come in loud and clear. the only things keeping tears from sliding down her cheeks was the fact that she was surrounded by others, and her pride.

"Welcome back, your watching TRL. I'm here with-,"

"Wait wait Carson," Chris held up his hand, "this is her show, not yours. She took it remember?"

Kayla laughed and refused to take the cuecards when Carson offered them to her.

"Yeah we heard that. Carson man you got pimped. By a chick." Justin laughed.

McKayla couldn't help but want to ask him what kind of sexist comment that was, but she bit her tongue. The last thing she wanted to do was talk to that egotistical bastard. The last thing she wanted was to be anywhere near him. He was just like everyone else, everyone in her home town. She hated him already.

Saturday November 30, 2002 (Billboard Music Awards Afterparty)

"Congradulations Kayla."

"Good job McKayla."

"Congrats Ms. Malone."

"I'm so happy for you Kay."

Well wishes. Well wishes and congradulations were all she heard. As Eric slowly pushed a his way through the crowd, and Shannon brought up the rear McKayla was focused on nothing more than thanking the many fans who had swamped into the club. She'd won. She'd actually won an award. But it paled in comparison to the many smiling faces and handshakes. She understood the need of fans because she'd spent many years being one and spending her money on the newest NSYNC calendar or Christina Aguilera homevideo.

She finally made it up to VIP and collapsed into her booth. Thank God! Her heels were killing her feet, her dress was cutting off her oxygen, and her eyes hurt from the mascara that had gotten into them when she cried.

"You look like you need this."

She looked up expecting to see Eric, but got a smaller blonde your man instead.

"Well well well, if it isn't Lance Bass. Have a seat my friend," she scooted over and took the Cosmopolitan from his hand.

"Congradulations on winning tonight."

"Thank you. I'm sorry you guys didn't make it up there. If it makes you feel any better, I think you were robbed."

He gave her a grin.

"Thanks. That helps."

*******

He was pissed off. He was mad as hell and there was no way to get away from it. Everywhere he turned he saw her. Or her date. Him. Her. One of them. Someone was there. It hurt. It was killing him. He was dying. Atleast that's how he felt. He needed to leave. But he couldn't. They'd just gotten there, none of the guys would want to leave. Shit. There was no escaping this. It was a web. A spider's web and he was wrapped in the middle waiting for the widow to drink his blood. He needed morphine. A vallium. Rum. That's what he needed. Rum. Where the hell was the bar?

*******

"...And so he jumps back in the pool, not knowing the thing is in there. So I turn around to leave. I figure, he'll find out on his own right-."

"You were so setting him up."

Lance shrugged and took a sip of his drink.

"Yeah so. Anyways, so I'm leaving and I hear this high pitched scream, I swear I thought some fan had jumped the wall, it was that loud. And Joey goes running past me. Buck naked! He didn't even stop to get a towel."

The two fell all over eachother with laughter. The story wasn't that hilarious to begin with, but it mixed with the alcohol they'd consumed on top of being in the presence of good company made it a story worthy of SNL. McKayla lifted her head from his chest and tried to sit up, sliding down alittle instead.

"You are so far gone," Lance commented, "you lightweight."

"I'm not a lightweight," she argued.

"Wanna dance? If you can walk that is."

"I can walk just fine thank you."

He gave her a look before standing to let her out. She stood and immediately fell back down.

"I wasn't ready yet," she told him.

He nodded with a non-believing smile and offered his hand.

*******

He was starring. Well, he was trying to anyway. The bass was echoing through his ears, bodies were blurring together. Objects were zooming in and out of his vision. But there was one thing he could focus in on particularly well. McKayla Malone. He'd been watching her since she stepped out on the floor accompanied by Lance. An hour later she'd gone through him, Joey, Chris, JC, a few other celebrities and now had moved onto the general crowd.

"Hey man."

Speak of the devil.

"Hi Jayce."

"What are you doing over here J?"

Justin ignored his question, instead motioning to Kayla.

"Doesn't she know her body looks like two pigs fighting under a blanket?" he asked before letting out a cackling laugh.

JC elbowed him roughly.

"Dude! It's my opinion. It's not like you said anything."

"But what kind of person am I if I had laughed?"

"A normal one."

"What's the matter with you man? Having a bad day? Not enjoying the party?"

Justin turned to look at him. Anger in his eyes.

"Don't I look like I'm enjoying the party?"

"You tell me, you're the ones who's got a castle of shot glasses on the counter behind you."

"I'm over 21 Dad."

"I know."

"So why are you on my back?" his voice was rising by the second.

"I'm not man. I'm just keeping any eye on you-."

"Well don't. I don't need anybody to look after me. I'm not a child," he licked salt of his hand, downed a shot and sucked on a lemon briefly. "Besides, friends are just backstabbers in waiting."

JC shook his head and walked away. It was obvious Justin was pissed off about something. His little out burst with JC only proved that he was looking for an outlet, someone to take it out on, and no one was safe.

Justin turned again, vodka in hand and focused in on her again. She was still there, sandwiched between 2 people. Hadn't she looked in a mirror lately? Didn't she know she was fat? She wasn't supposed to dance. She was supposed to sit and watch everyone else. She wasn't supposed to dress like that. They make moo-moo's for a reason. She looked damn ridiculous. She was ridiculous. And since he was in a giving mood, he decided to give her his opinion. He stood up, a sloppy grin on his face, drink in hand, and stumbled across the room to her.

Their security teams, and a few choice people watched as he pulled her aside, whispered in her ear and laughed to himself. They grew tense when her body language changed and she said something back. They all looked at eachother when his stance changed as well and he said something to her, and all of them rushed over when her hand reached out and ran over his face. Her palm in contact with his cheek.

"You son of a bitch..." she hissed stepping towards him.

Before she could reach him someone grabbed her arms.

"McKayla.... no!" Eric's voice was stern

"What the hell is your problem?!" Justin shouted.

"My problem? Who the hell are you... come here pretty boy, I'll show you my problem."

"It's not my fault you disgusting! Put some damn clothes on-!"

"Kiss my ass!"

"That'd take all day."

Her eyes narrowed.

"Shouldn't you be out sleeping with your Mother or something?"

Justin made a lung for her.

"You little bitch!"

"McKayla, come on! Let's go!"

"I wanna talk to him."

"I don't care, come on."

It'd taken 10 minutes to drag her out to the car. Ten minutes to drive back to the hotel. five minutes to get up to her room. Five minutes to get Eric and Shannon to leave her room. Two minutes to get in the shower. Fifteen seconds to break down into a fit of tears under the cover of warm water.

Why? Why did that have to happen? That was supposed to be her day, her night. now it was shot to hell. That damn Justin Timberlake. She'd seen him flirting with the skinny blonde across the room. Then he'd disappeared. And when he returned, there was something different. A new look in his eyes. She'd seen him zero in on her. Once you've been teased and tormented you have a sixth-sense. You can feel the eyes as people watch you, criticizing you. you can hear the whispers no matter how low they're spoken. You know the looks, the signs, and you try your best to prepare yourself for it. But there's nothing you can do to prepare yourself for the rush of emotions you feel when it's said. When they make that remark that breaks down every bit of self-esteem you've struggle to put up. For the embarrassing tears you feel stinging your eyes. For the voices you hear in your head. All the nasty words you've ever heard start to repeat in your mind. They come all at once, from every direction.

McKayla stood up, turning off the water and stepping out of the shower on shaky legs. She put on her robe and splashed some water on her face.

"No crying," she told herself, "Crying is for wimps. Punks. Do not cry Kayla. Especially not over him."

Slowly she made her way out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. She rummaged through her suitcase looking for something to sleep in. Once she did she stood and her eyes glanced over at the table. She zoomed in on the cover. It was a picture of Jennifer Lopez, leaning against a wall, her pink diamond ring glittering in the light. She looked happy and carefree, like she loved life and everything around her. She also wore a stripped belly baring shirt and tight black pants.

Picking up the magazine, McKayla made way over to her full length mirror. She magazine on the dresser, looking over Jennifer a moment before opening her robe and looking at herself. She ran her hands down her hips as she turned from on side to the other and back again. She looked at Jennifer, then herself. Jennifer. Herself. Jen. Kayla. She opened the magazine. Britney. McKayla. Size 4. Size 18. Christina. Kayla. Size 2. Size 18. Julia Roberts. McKayla Malone. Size 6. Size 18. Halle Berry. Atleast she was another black woman. Size 5. It wasn't bad enough she was so different from all the other pop singers in the world. It'd been hard to break into the music industry. Everyone wanted her to sing R&B. She didn't want to. She was pop girl. She'd grown up on it. Loved it.

No room for a black singer on the pop charts. They said.

You've got to have a body like Britney to even be considered by MTV They told her.

They'd been right. MTV didn't want to have a thing to do with her. They'd told her to not even bother sending them her video, it wasn't getting played. That was until it went number 1 over seas and the single was getting voted for on radio. Then they wanted the video before anyone else. Then they wanted an exclusive. Then they were willing to over look what was "wrong" with her. Everyone had closed the door in her face at the beginning. But she thought that maybe she'd made a small difference. Maybe people were listening to what she was saying.

Justin Timberlake.

Guess not.

Britney. Kayla. Christina. Kayla. Jennifer. Kayla. Julia. Kayla. Sandra. Kayla. Halle. Kayla. Sarah Jessica. Kayla. Sarah Michelle. Kayla. Jennifer Love. Kayla. Her eyes darted back and forth, her vision blurring more and more with every passing moment. She wasn't built like that. She was never going to be. She hated it. She hated herself. She hated this damn body. Sinking to the floor she cursed herself to crying, for being weak, for letting him get to her. She hated him. That man. Justin Timberlake. She hated him most of all.

"Kayla? Kay are you sure your okay? Your pretty... out of it today." Shannon studied her from her seat next to her on the plane.

"I'm fine Shan. I just had a long night."

"I'll say. I haven't seen you that riled up since you found out that the original plot of A Walk to Remember the ending was supposed to be Shane West giving back his wedding ring because he 'met someone'."

McKayla turned and gave Shannon a stare.

"Okay sorry, shutting up now."

"Thank you."

"I'll sure be glad when you get outta this funk."

McKayla sighed and leaned her head against the window. She couldn't wait either.

"You are such a dick, man."

"Please! She started that shit."

All Justin got in response was a glare.

"Alright fine, I had something to do with it," he admitted softly.

"Something? You brought up the whole damn situation. I don't know what your problem is Justin but you need to get over it."

"I don't have a problem Jayce. I was drunk, I said something to her, big fuckin deal. Why is everyone jumping down my back?"

"Because it's not the first time you've done it!"

Justin sat down in a slump on the sofa.

"Everyone we come in contact with who doesn't fit into you ideal image of a hot girl, your rude and snotty and a complete and total asshole to."

"Hey, I am not snotty."

"Of all the things I said that's the one you decide to be offended by? How shallow are you man?"

"I am not shallow."

"Bull shit. You know, one day all this is gonna come back to bite you in the ass."

"I just hate stupid little snotty nosed brats like him!" McKayla shouted suddenly.

Shannon looked around, giving the other passengers an apologetic smile before turning to McKayla.

"Okay... and where did that come from?" she rubbed her back comfortingly.

"That fucking jerk. You know this is? This is racism. This is the white man trying to push me down."

"If not out of character for you I don't know what the hell is."

"Think about it Shan. What am I known for? What is Justin? This is his way of trying to get rid of me."

"Stop talking about out of your ass Kayla."

"I'm not. Just wait, wait and see. You know what? I'm going to call the NAACP when we land."

"All this racism BS your carrying around is going be your downfall. Incase you haven't noticed, your not in Kansas anymore."