"Your... your... excuse me?" Justin stepped back and put a hand to his chest. It was like he couldn't breath, like all the wind had suddenly been pushed from him. He felt as if someone had just shoved him to the ground and stepped on him.
"I'm pregnant," she said strongly, the hysterical girl from moments ago had seemed to have disappeared back inside of her.
"Your... you can't... no! This must be a mistake, things like this go wrong all the time. Are they sure? You now what? We're gonna go to another hospital and find out-," he was the hysterical one now.
"No! No, it's true... it's true,"
"How do you know?"
"I just do,"
"Damn Em!" he slammed his fist down on the table and stared straight ahead. He wasn't angry with her, it just came out that way, but he knew that little statement was currently being turned around and worked over in her mind. Women were strange creatures who could mix and change things to mean something totally different than he wanted it to be, or something different that he could imagine.
"What are we gonna do?" he asked finally.
"I... I dunno. I don't know Justin," she watching him carefully before tears came to her eyes again. He was upset with her right now, she could tell. He, like so many men, thought all of this was her fault. And that killed her because he had been the one by herside and now, he despised her.
Justin heard her sniffles and turned back to her. She was shaking, her arms around herself, trying so hard to hide her tears, trying so hard to be strong. She felt like she had to, Justin seemed to be cracking under the pressure and that left only herself. She couldn't break too, she couldn't be the weak one, she had him, Isaiah, and now another child to think of. But both she and Justin knew her exterior wouldn't last long. As tired as Justin was, as much as he wanted to be the one in control, and even though sometimes he wished he could just wash his hands of this, he was still preparing for her to be the glass figure he thought she was, and break.
"Ok, all right. Let's start by going home, come on," they wrapped their arms around eachother for support and headed toward the door.
She sat by the window. She wasn't staring, but she was, she wasn't in a trance, but she seemed to be. Justin knew her better, he knew sitting there on the bench and staring down to the street below was how she thought, how she liked to clear her mind. Her staring eyes were just a window into her mind as the wheels turned 90 miles an hour and sorted through issue after issue.
"What did I do Justin?" she asked.
"What was that one terrible mistake that I made to make all this happen?"
"What are you talking about?" he asked walking over to stand beside her. Her body was turned away but she knew he was there all the same.
"I know in my head that rape happens to a million woman, and that I didn't do anything wrong, nothing to deserve what happened. But sometimes...I wish someone would tell that to my heart. And now...now it's like being raped all over again. A baby is supposed to come from two people who are madly in love and show that to eachother one night. It's supposed to be this wonderful magic thing to be pregnant. To give birth is supposed to be this amazing event that goes down in history, that's forever etched in your mind as this great moment. And then your supposed to cherish that baby for the rest of your life. I had that, I have that with Isaiah, but I won't anymore. Not with this one. He comes from 10 minutes of pain and anger. How am I supposed to be a mother to him? A walking talking reminder of that night that I work so hard everyday to forget.
"I know that he'll be part of me and for that I should love him but...I don't know if I can. But at the same time how can I put a child through that? I don't know what it's like to know your mother doesn't love you but I know it must be terrible and if I do that to my own child I'll never forgive myself. How am I supposed to look into his eyes and feel the greatest love I've ever known? How am I supposed to look at him at all if his eyes are brown? Everyone's gonna find out now. The guys, the press, what are we gonna do when they start asking questions?"
So many questions...her mind was filled with so many questions that neither she nor Justin knew how to answer.
"You know Em, you don't have to have this baby,"
"What do you mean?"
"There are other options," he didn't quite know how to bring this up. Things like this weren't an easy topic but they had been on his mind since she'd said the words "I'm pregnant" and he sure as hell wasn't thrilled about his Em having another man's child. Not that she was his... but she was.
"Other options? Justin what are you talking about?" she turned to look at him when he sat down on the bench in front of her.
"Well, there's...adoption first of all,"
"No, no way. Then I'll spend the rest of my life walking down the street wondering if I just passed my kid. And I'll be up all night hoping it ended up in a good home and if it's being fed and taken care of and... and I just watched this movie on Lifetime where the woman gave her son up for adoption and then tried to find him 19 years later and her kid was dead. Dead! The adopted mother killed him, he was 6-,"
"Alright, all right. No need to go into detail or lose your mind. Um...abortion,"
The room was silent, Justin hoping he hadn't hit some secret female nerve with the suggestion and Emerald thinking it over.
"Abortion huh? No, no I couldn't, abortions wrong,"
"Abortions not wrong Em-,"
"For me it is. For every other female in the world it is her choice, her decision, but it's not for me. I have high standards for myself and there's no way I can do that,"
"Are you trying to say woman that get abortions are cheap, low? No standards?"
"No that's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying it's not for me. Plus that's dangerous Justin, woman had died getting abortions,"
"This isn't 1962 Em,"
"Justin...I'm not getting an abortion and I'm not giving it up so drop it all right. I have to have it,"
The room was quiet once again, Emerald thinking he was done. Justin, chewing on a newly formed question in his mind.
"Do you want to have this baby?"
"What?!" Emerald couldn't believe her ears. Was he for real?
"You won't even consider options about not keeping it. You want to have this baby, dont you?"
"Your out of your mind!"
"Am I?! Explain this to me Em! How is it you can know what you will do to this kid, and know what it will represent to you and still want it? How Em? Explain this to me please cause I really don't get it!"
"You wouldn't understand!"
"Why not?!"
"You don't know what it's like to give birth!"
"I, along with every other man on this planet, am so sick of hearing that excuse when ever I call you on your bullshit having to do with kids,"
"Oh fuck you Justin alright! You don't know what it's like to carry a child for 9 months, you don't know what it's like to feel it grow inside of you. Imagine that was Isaiah. Take all that love, all that emotion you have for your son and imagine that he came from something terrible,"
"I wouldn't feel that way about him if he did! Besides Isaiah isn't like this child, don't you dare ever compare the two again. And there is no way I will be a father to that kid!"
"Justin, I never asked you to be it's father," she spoke softly and watching him.
He was out of breath, tired, confused. He had been so worked up, so angry during the conversation that even when he stopped and concentrated all of his energy on figuring out the current situation he still couldn't think straight.
"Good, cause I won't be," he turned his back and walked from the room.
"Are you sure she said 1?"
"Yes I'm sure she said 1,"
"Today?"
"Yes today,"
"Are you positive?"
"Yes,"
"Because only fools are positive,"
"Get away from me!" Justin was tired of answering question after question. He knew Emerald had a problem with being on-time and he should've known it was a mistake to tell the guys she would be there at 1 o'clock sharp.
"You guys, she'll be here now just... chill and get off my back all right?" he went back stage to get another bottle of water. It wasn't that they were trying to be annoying, but they hadn't seen her in weeks and had become worried about her. Regardless though, they were working Justin's last nerve.
"She's not coming, I think maybe she said tomorrow," Joey began a conversation with the others once Justin's stomping had faded away.
"Yeah, she prolly said after her appointment tomorrow," Chris nodded.
"What is it with her and appointments lately?" all eyes turned to JC.
"I dunno, I haven't really talked to her lately, she and J got really close all of a sudden and she kinda disappeared," he responded.
"Does Britney know they've grown so close?"
"No, and who cares, for the first time in 2 years Justin's back to his normal self, like we're gonna run and tell Britney. Besides, they have a child together, they should atleast be friends,"
"I dunno you guys, she is his girlfriend. I'd wanna know if my girlfriend was getting close to her ex-boyfriend,"
"Lance, who's side are you on?"
"Justin's. No one's. There are no sides here, I'm just saying," Lance held his hands up and backed away as glares were sent his way.
"Where is everybody?" a new voice sounded from the floor below.
The boys watched as the 'click-clop' of high heels neared closer and closer to the stage. Slowly a tall, slender, smiling figure dressed in a pink skirt and white halter top appeared.
"Did you guys hear me? Where is everyone? I figured since your in hell week for a tour there'd be people running back and forth and Johnny shouting at the top of his lungs-,"
Her sentence was cut off when 4 pairs of arms wrapped around her.
"Em! Oh my God Emerald we missed you. I love you. I missed you so much. Damn that Justin for keeping you away from me. What are you doing with that youngin' anyway? He doesn't know how to treat you right, a fine thing like you should be with me,"
"Chris, don't you have a girlfriend?" Emerald choked out as Chris's arms tightened around her.
"She's a modern woman, besides, no one has to know besides us,"
"What are you doing?!" Justin's voice sounded from the stage.
"Nothing," Chris stepped away, arms behind his back.
"Em? When did you get here?" he held his hand out for her. She took a step towards him but was pulled back.
"Don't think so J, you get her to yourself all the time," JC shook his head.
The others laughed and walked off swatting eachother with towels and chatting loudly. Emerald knew by the way they had been so clingy one-second and acting like she wasn't around the next that she was being set up.
"So, how have you been?" JC asked once the others were far away.
"Fine. So what's wrong, what's going on?" she crossed her arms.
"What makes you think something's going on?"
"The three stooges over there aren't as slick as they think. The last time you and I talked alone was when you told me Justin was in my living room after Isaiah was born and speaking of J, he's watching the both of us like a hawk, so what's going on?"
She looked over at Justin who gave her a curious glance. She shrugged and his eyes narrowed on JC.
"You should be a lawyer, your pretty intimidating,"
"All part of being a woman. Now, spill," she smiled.
"Really Em, there's nothing to spill,"
"Uh-huh,"
"Would you let your guard down and talk to me? Come on, it's Josh, Jackrabbit, can't we have a normal conversation?"
Emerald sighed and dropped her arms.
"Your right. So what's up? How you been?"
"Pretty good, busy. You? We don't get to see you very much even though your in town,"
"Yeah I know but, I got all this stuff going on-,"
"Appointments?"
"Yeah,"
"What's going on with those anyway, every time we ask Justin about you your at an appointment," he crossed his arms but tried to appear casual. Emerald knew him to well, he was digging for information.
"I've just been really sick lately that's all,"
"You look fine,"
"They gave me some pills, I think they're working," she threw in a cough for good measure.
JC nodded, not convinced, but nodded all the same.
"So Em," he put his arm around her shoulder and slowly began to lead her towards the stage.
"So Jayce,"
"How are you going to spend your summer?"
"Sleeping late in my apartment since you guys won't be around to bug me,"
"Now that's no way to spend your first summer back home, especially when your favorite boyband is touring,"
"Am I supposed to believe you just thought that up?"
"Humor me. So what do you say?"
"What do I say to what?"
"To coming on tour with us,"
"You want me to...naw, no way Jayce,"
"Why not?"
"Why would I?"
"You can't answer a question with a question,"
"I know but...Jayce...,"
"Come on it'll be fun. Great food, you get to see different cities, meet interesting people-,"
"Wake up at the crack of dawn, live out of a suit case, travel on a bus, a different hotel everyday, fans screaming in my ear-,"
"Stop looking at the negative. Come on, we all want you to come, besides, the second we pull off Justin will start pouting and I'm not looking at his face like that for 3 months,"
"I...I'll think about it all right,"
"Nope, I want an answer,"
"JC-,"
"That didn't sound like an answer,"
"You know, Justin did this to me before-,"
"Was there an answer in that sentence? Cause I missed it if there was,"
"I'm not falling for this JC,"
"Falling for what?"
"Your going to pressure me into saying yes-,"
"Yes? You said yes? She said yes guys!" he turned to the others before she had a chance to object.
"JC I did not say that," she hissed.
"Did not say what?"
"Yes,"
"You said it again," he smiled.
"JC! I know your not down there acting like your not supposed to be rehearsing, especially since your the one who ran out of a rehearsal," Wade spoke into his microphone.
"Are you ever gonna let that go?" JC asked.
"Not until you've suffered enough. Now get up here,"
"I think he forgets I could take him if I wanted," he winked and ran off towards the ramp that would take him to the stage.
"JC! I did not say that! I didn't say I would go! Do you hear me? JC? Joshua? Dammit!"
'I can't believe I've been tricked into doing something again! First Lynn, now Jayce, I gotta get away from these people,'
"Justin, I seriously don't like this,"
"Yes, I know, you've told me this 12 times already,"
"Then why are you still going through with it?!"
"Britney, I'm gonna be on tour for 3 months. Heaven forbid that I wanna bring my son along. You bring your Mom and JamieLynn,"
"So bring the rugrat, not her,"
"She has a name, it's Emerald. And don't call my son a rugrat, his name is Isaiah,"
"Justin do I sound like I care? Your missing my point Hun. Your going to be rooming with another woman-,"
"And a four year old and 4 other guys Britney! Your over reacting,"
"I am not over reacting Justin! Why don't I just go call up Thomas-,"
"That guy you dated in high school?"
"Yeah, that guy from high school. Why don't I call him up and ask him to come visit me in New York this weekend?"
"Why don't you Brit?"
"Because not only do I respect your feelings, but that would be cheating,"
'I don't care!!'
"Britney, I can't deal with this right now. We're getting ready to pull out and I wanna go say good-bye to everyone. I'll call you later all right?"
"Fine Justin, whatever,"
He rolled his eyes at her attitude. "Bye Brit,"
"Bye J, I love you,"
"Uh-huh," he pressed the off button on his cell and threw it on the cushion beside him. What a day this was going to be. He was fighting with his girlfriend, whom his feelings for were forever changed. He loved her one minute, the next all he could think of was Em and he wasn't sure what the meant. Now he was leaving for a huge tour and she was supposed to be coming along. How he was going to survive 90 days of being on a bus with her in close proximity he didn't know. Now he had only minutes to say good-bye to family and friends and Em and Isaiah weren't even here yet.
He stalked off the bus and over to an area on the side where his mother always was when they were leaving. It was the 'Timberlake Spot', all the guys had one of their own. Lynn smiled at him as he walked over, her camera was in hand as Jonathan and Steven ran circles around her, Randy and Lisa a few feet behind talkin to Trace and someone else.
"Why the long face baby?" she asked running her hand over his newly shaved head.
"I dunno Mom, today is not my day. Have you seen Emerald yet?"
"No not yet, but don't worry, she'll make it,"
"Are you sure you can't come with?"
"And who's gonna watch Innocence while I'm gone?" she laughed.
"Mom...come on," he whined.
"Now I see where Isaiah gets it,"
"Why does everyone say that?"
"Because it's true. You can scream and whine with the best of them dear,"
"Your not helping Mom," he groaned.
"Your just stressed out cause your leaving,"
"I'm stressed because we're leaving in 10 minutes and Emerald's not here yet,"
"She'll make it. You know she's never on time but she never misses anything,"
"I find a lot of women are like that,"
"I'll ignore that comment for now, till I can use it against you,"
"I'm sorry in advance then,"
The conversation continued on with Justin saying good-bye to Paul, Lisa, Randy, Jonathan, Steve, Trace and last but not least Lynn. He walked over the buses, waved to his tearful parents and took one last glance at the parking lot behind the line of buses, then over to the mass of screaming fans several yards away. No Emerald, no Emerald anywhere. She wasn't going to make it.
"Why the long face my man?" Joey asked walking up the stairs to stand in front of him.
"Emerald's not going to make it,"
"Sure she will,"
"We have...4 minutes Joe," Justin snapped, "She's not gonna make it,"
Joey nodded, not wanting to argue on their first day out. Besides it looked like Justin was right. Buses were closing, people were boarding, 3 minutes were left, and no sign of her. Chances were looking pretty slim that Emerald was going to get there in time. His eyes wandered over the crowd, he waved to his mother as Steve ran past him and onto the bus. Lance and Chris followed, bickering over something stupid. Justin sat slumped on the couch, head in his hands.
"What's wrong with him? Where's Emerald?" JC asked stepping on.
Joey shrugged. "No Emerald, 2 minutes and counting,"
"She's not going to make it. Just close the doors now so we can leave," Justin slouched lower.
"Don't you think your being alittle over dramatic? Some advice J, leave the acting to me," he was trying to get a smile but only received a glare.
"Everyone please report to your assigned bus...we have 1 minute left, everyone please report to your assigned bus," a young woman's voice boomed through the speakers.
Joey and JC looked at eachother after Justin groaned and slowly made his way to his bunk to sulk. They shook their heads at one another and sad expressions over took their faces, time to go, no Em. JC sighed and headed towards the back as well, Joey turned to follow but a soft yell pulled him back to the stairs. He looked around, figuring he was hearing things and turned to leave again, but then he heard the yell again. He spun around and went down a step, he was sure he'd heard it this time. His eyes searched the crowd of security and extra crew making sure everything was locked and loaded in the last few seconds they had.
He noticed a brown head bobbing up and down in the sea of people. The girl was rushing, trying to make her way through. She would look up, call out something to muted by the fans screaming for him to hear, then look down towards her feet, then repeat the motions all over again. He smiled when the face registered in his mind.
"Hey Justin! JC! Come here," he called.
"What Joe?" JC was the first to emerge, followed by a frowning, sleepy looking Justin.
"Does that ponytail look familiar to either of you?" he pointed towards where he had seen her last.
The two looked out the window of the bus, a smile instantly appearing.
"Told you she'd make it," JC nudged Justin in the arm.
"I knew she'd be here, she's always late but never misses anything," Justin replied watching her make her way closer and closer to him.
JC rolled his eyes and walked over to the kitchen. Justin smiled when she finally pulled herself out of the crowd and laughed when she started argued with the security team that was now blocking her. Frank climbed onboard and started the engine, Justin frowned fearing that even though she was right there, she may not make it. Finally they let her through and she sprinted to the bus, Isaiah close behind. She boarded, the door slamming closed behind her. She was panting, sweating, her hair was falling out of it ponytail, her face was flushed and she looked plain tired, but she sure as hell was a sight for sore eyes.
"I saw you watching through the window. You weren't even gonna help me when the brickwalls you call security stopped me?"
"I figured you had it covered," he leaned against the counter.
She sent him a look.
"You got through didn't you?"
"That's a new look for you," she motioned to his head.
"Yeah, I figured it be easier to take care of my hair if I didn't have any. Who's got time to comb out curls every morning while on tour?"
"Like you could get a comb through them anyway," she giggled.
Justin frowned and stuck his tongue out at her. She shock her head with a smile before giving him a hug. JC watched the two closely, quietly. There was something new, something different, something strange about their relationship. He saw how Emerald closed her eyes as she leaned her head on his shoulder. He noted how Justin rocked them both back and forth as if they were dancing to a song only he could hear. Yes, there was something going on between the two, even if they weren't aware of it yet. But he wondered if they did know, he would have to get some time with Emerald alone later to find out.
Emerald finally pulled away when Isaiah stumbled into her when the bus began to move. She turned her attention to JC who sat the table waiting.
"Hey Em, thought you weren't gonna make it for a second there," he stood to hug her.
"You know me Jayce, I like to make an entrance,"
Isaiah went over to Justin and demanded to be picked up, then proceeded to ask questions about everything he saw as Emerald greeted the rest of the guys in the back. Justin obliged Isaiah, explaining everything he asked about, but snuck glances and long gases at Emerald from moment to moment. She had made it, his Emerald was there. Problem solved. Next...finding out how he was going to survive the next 3 months with her. Because if the thoughts that ran through his mind when he first saw here were any indication of things to come, it was going to be one hell of a tour.
He thought long and hard about the things happening around him. There was a pregnant Emerald, the girl who'd been so terribly violated and he come to him for help. Now, when she was finally getting past it, she finds out she has to have the bastards baby. She'd been really good about hiding it from the guys. She managed to slip into the bathroom several times through out the day unnoticed by the others, she keep a smile on her face and never complained, even though Justin could tell when he looked into her eyes that all she really wanted to do was lay down and sleep for hours on end.
Part of Justin hoped that the man who'd done this to her was caught and sent to prison for the rest of his life. But he also hoped he was never found because he knew if he ever laid eyes on him, he'd kill him with his bare hands. Neither would ever happen though, Emerald refused to go to the police. He and Emerald had been over it and back again, she refused every time. She thought it would only let the media find out faster than already expected. There was the part of Em that had nothing to do with rape and pregnancy. There was Emerald the woman, the one who he had strong ever-changing feelings for.
On top of that there his upset girlfriend Britney who was ready to lock him in a chastity belt whenever Emerald was within 50 miles of him. Though for some strange reason he could understand that, and had even thought of doing it to himself once of twice. There was the tour which had only just begun, his son whom the more he learned about the more he wanted to learn. He was trying to make up for the missed years while not letting these fly by. Then there was himself, whom he'd been neglecting lately, but all for a good cause. He sat in the back thinking for hours, trying to figure out everything but only finding the answer to one problem. He peeled himself off the sofa and went to find Emerald. She was curled up on the couch in the front, staring out the window as the scenery flew by.
"Hey," he said sitting down across the isle from her.
"Hey yourself. Justin have you been seeing this? All of the hills and tress and grass and, I dunno Earthy stuff that we've passed by? Would you look at the sky? I've never seen so many colors blend so beautifully. I didn't know half this stuff exsisted in Florida. You know, honestly, I was kinda happy you guys wanted me to come, I always wanted to go on a tour, it seems like so much fun,"
He was entranced by her smile. He had missed that so much, and now it was being shown to him, and only him. He hated to bring down her mood by bringing up the topic, but it had to be done and sooner was better than later.
"Em we need to talk,"
"About what?" the seriousness made her nervously turn in her seat to face him. Justin looked around to make sure their conversation was private. The guys and Isaiah appeared to be asleep, the door to the bunks was closed anyway. The door to Franks cab was closed aswell.
"About you being pregnant," he answered, "I know what we can tell the media, when they find out,"
Emerald looked around cautiously also before answering quietly. "What?"
Justin sighed and ran a hand over his head. Was he sure? Was he positive he wanted to do this? Yeah, yes he was. He'd thought this over, made up his mind, changed it, then made it up again. It was the right thing to do. The best thing to do for everyone involved.
'It's now or never Timberlake, spit it out,' he thought.
Justin leaned forward, resting his arms on his thighs and looked right into Emerald's eyes with the most serious expression she'd ever seen out of him.
"You can say it's mine Em. We're gonna tell everyone it's my baby,"
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